Slappin’ Your Troubles Away

ShamWow Vince and his trademark headset have returned, with higher production values and without those edits that remove more cola than the ShamWow does. Even though he’s tried to sell me a ShamWow hundreds of times now, I still can’t peel my eyes away from the screen each time that brilliant commercial comes on. Imagine the thrill I felt when I stumbled across Vince’s new commercial for the Slap Chop. I must have rewound and watched it at least a dozen times. Do they give out awards for this kind of stuff?

slapchopvinceAs with the ShamWow Vince works all the angles. His skill at product demonstration is undeniable. This time however, the Slap Chop’s features are almost beside the point. It’s a chopper and it’s handy. What works about this commercial is that builds on the qualities that make Vince great (attitude, bombastic mugging for the camera, humor and of course, the headset) while refining his technique and losing nothing of his original appeal.

While I don’t buy into the hyperbole that correcting my boring tuna (how did he know?!?) will lead to an exciting life, it does seem that the wiseguy Vince of the ShamWow ad is rapidly evolving. Vince put his toe right up to the line with the “you’re gonna love my nuts” joke, but it’s impact is softened by his goal of making “America skinny again, one slap at a time.”

The Slap Chop offers us our first glimpse of the wiseguy-philosopher. “Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t want to cry anymore.” Not one to miss an opportunity, Vince is appropriately in tune with today’s tough times and he has exactly the product we need.

Billy Mays has jumped the shark, trying to sell everything from health insurance to hair dye (ok, I made that up).  If Billy and Vince were politicians, Billy would obviously be John McCain, representing the stale ideas of the past whereas Vince represents a bold new future, the Obama of TV pitchmen.

You know you’re arrived when you start inspiring parody. Here are but two examples.

When is Bill Hader going to do him on SNL?


Obama Has al-Qaeda Worried

The news that al-Qaeda is not enthused about Obama’s victory must have conservatives scratching their knuckle-heads. Obama, you will remember was the candidate whose dangerous naivete would make us more vulnerable to attack. His habit of “palling around with terrorists” was practically an invitation to commit another 9/11.

I think that al-Qaeda is concerned about the incoming Obama administration. Worried that the U.S. will finally have a president who takes terrorism seriously, they have already begun to lash out.

I wonder what that crazy lady, the one who told McCain that she couldn’t trust Obama because “he’s an Arab” thinks about all this. Actually, I bet she doesn’t think anything about it because a) she doesn’t seem to be much of a thinker and b) chances are she doesn’t read the New York Times.

If al-Qaeda’s endorsement of John McCain wasn’t enough to do it, their racists insults against our President-elect should erase these harebrained notions from the public consciousness once and for all.

I Can’t Wait Another 2 Months

bushstupidI’m sick of Bush and Cheney ruining my country. The sooner they’re gone the better. Here’s my evil three step plan to get Obama in the White House now.

Step 1: Dick Cheney resigns.

Step 2: Bush appoints Obama to be Vice-President. Senate confirms overwhelmingly.

Step 3: Bush resigns and Obama succeeds him immediately.

The nation is crying out for leadership. If Bush gives a crap about America and wants to help Obama start digging us out of this hole, he’ll follow this advice rather than spending the next two months pardoning criminals, burrowing his political appointees into federal agencies, rewarding cronies, issuing destructive executive orders and relaxing regulations. I can’t really think of a valid reason for him to remain in office any longer.

The World’s Greatest Ass

Move over Kim Kardashian. At last the great question has been answered. The world’s most beautiful bottom belongs to Melanie Nunes Fronckowiak of Brazil. Melanie’s great achievement was recognized in a Paris posterior pageant run by Sloggi. Her bum is definitely a sight to behold. Pay no attention to the guy standing next to her. My rump is sexier than his.



This angle puts THE derriere in perspective. Wow!


This one is my favorite. If you still don’t agree that this is the most wonderful sitting device ever affixed to a human, this closeup of the champion will help you recognize it’s power. Do you detect a flaw? NO! It is perfect in every way.


Bow down before the butt. Still not convinced? Try this on for size. Uh huh.


As if you required anymore persuasion, here’s my girl reveling in her victory. What poise, what confidence. Her hiney rules and she knows it.