My friends, did I mention I was a POW? You might not have heard since I’m so reluctant to talk about it.

My wife has been irate at me for burying my nose in the computer during the RNC for the past couple of nights, so I have to record my thoughts about McCain’s speech after the fact.

I didn’t have high expectations for him, not after Rudy and Sarah the pit bull last night. I didn’t have high expectations for Cindy either and she did not disappoint.

Side note: who was that Iraq vet holding the sign up in the nosebleed section? He’s my new hero.

McCain didn’t tell his party everything they wanted to hear tonight. Actually, he took a big risk by telling the faithful a lot of what they didn’t want to hear. McCain deserves credit for acknowledging some of the GOP’s failings. Time will tell if he’s made his stamp on the party or if he’s just another Bob Dole.

McCain tried to mock Barack once or twice, after promising to respect him. He should leave the base baiting to Palin. Honestly, I think McCain nearly lost the crowd a couple of times so flaccid was his delivery. He recited the usual litany of conservative grievances on taxes, schools, drilling, reform, spending etc. Mix that with a healthy dose of patriotism and that about sums up the speech. It’s not easy trying to reject Bush and embrace change in a Democratic year when your opponent is as dynamic as Obama.

The best part was the manly American crescendo at the end about standing up or something. McCain seemed to show a quality closely resembling passion.

B-

Tonight I forced myself to endure GeeDubya’s prime time RNC address. I have been a bad boy and this is my punishment. I was hoping McCain would get away with his scheme to scuttle the current occupant’s speech; old blood ‘n guts must have been so disappointed that Gustav only limped ashore with a whimper.

For now, I rest comfortably on my sofa, merrily hammering away at my laptop. I wonder if I’ll need some sort of Clockwork Orange device to keep me staring at the screen.

8:40 -  There’s an old guy named Swindle on my TV who was a POW with McCain. They had to eat rats while living in their hole in the Hanoi Hilton. Americans will have to eat rats too if McCain wins.

The repthugs are honoring veterans. Veterans are cool. The GOP should stop using them as props unless they’re going to give them proper benefits. Do they have any respect at all for GeeDumbya’s military service? How many veterans are going to have to stand up before Swindle goes away? Standing veterans are even cooler. This guy Swindle knows how to whip a hall half full of conservatives into a frenzy.

Laura Bush. Shiny red dress. This the woman who spreads her legs for the prez. Laura and I have something in common since Bush has fucked both of us. What does she see in that nimrod? The crowd goes wild – not. The lady gives a better speech than her toungue-tied hubby. “My God” she’s thinking, “George will be out of work soon!” She’s proud that the first female VP will be a Republican woman. It would be weird if it was a Republican man. Where is Larry Craig tonight? Apparently the GOP is the party of women, so long as they don’t want to choose or earn equal pay. Republican women must like being second class.

8:50 – Laura promises facts and “straight talk” about W. If only I could slip her some truth serum. W is the edumacation presidunce. Bush’s Judges, like the ones who appointed Bush in the first place, respect the constitution. 4th amendment schmorth amendment. I can barely take my eyes off of Mrs. Bush long enough to type. W has increased the number of Africans with AIDS medications from 50,000 to 2,000,000. Thank gawd; they’ll need it since he won’t help them prevent infection in the first place by giving them condoms. Iraqis live in freedom because of Bush. Freedom from clean drinking water, electricity…… My head may explode like an IED. No, Bush has kept me safe she says, smiling. Safe from having to worry about whether my email and bank records are private, safe from hurricanes and habeas corpus, safe from having to be taxed to pay for a war. So much easier to borrow the money from China. I feel safe again.

8:55 – Bill Clinton got a five minute standing ovation at his speech, but the GOP means bidness. Shrub stands at his podium, lookin real prezidentshul and just dives right in. He can’t be in St. Paul in person because he’s bizzy overseein’ the relief efferts. The reepublican guvners are  coordinatin’ and everythin’ is peachy. See how much better natural disasters are when the govner of Looziana isn’t a defeatocrat? Bush’s beady little eyes dart around. McCain is a great Amerrkin. Bush loves his mama and daddy.

The decider knows what it takes to be prezdint, see? He reads the presidential daily briefs (pdb) – like the one on 8/6/01 entitled “Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.” That’s the one Condi couldn’t remember the name of. After being briefed on that pdb the decider decided a decision which was to decide to continue his vacation rather than taking action.

Presidents have to make tough calls. McCain’s refusal to leave the pow camp was undeniably a tough call so there can be no doubt McCain is qualified. Human life must be defended, as long as it’s in the womb. Fetuses rule. Unless you’re an Iraqi fetus. Mac wants to make Georgie’s tax cuts permanent even if he must flip flop to do so. Hooray for offshore drilling! McSame is an independent thinker who disagrees Bush (10% of the time) except when he saved the troops from calls of retreat with the courage and vision to escalate the war. The crowd seems underwhelmed. I think they’re wishing W. would just go away.

9:00 – It’s only been five minutes? Jesus W. Superpatriot is still a-talkin’. Only McCain can stop attacks afore they commence to happenin’. Sarah Palin is strong and principled. McCain found out all about that when she was vetted the day before he asked her to join him. I’m glad he took his eyes off her ass long enough to learn about her principles. Oops, I spilled my drink.

9:01 – W. is optimistic about achieving peace through war. Is this a political convention or an AARP meeting? The crowd applauds approvingly, the camera pans across their white faces, glowing with conservative pride. Hey, what’s that brown face doing in there? Security!! Oh, it’s just McLame’s adopted daughter, the one Karl Rove said was McCheater’s illegitimate black love child back in 2000 when the repugnicans didn’t think McLoser measured up to their standards and needed a good smearing.

9:02 – W. is finished. Thank god it’s over, man it was short. That’s what Laura said. Speaking of which, here she is again to pick up the crap Dumbya left behind. Gathering shit could be a new career for her when they retire to the ranch.

9:05 – Tribute to Dutch Reagan, B movie star turned President. Wait, you mean the Gay Old People nominated a CELEBRITY?!? My head hurts. Picture of Ronnie Raygun in football uniform, picture of same in an army officer’s cap. All he did during the war was make movies but he sure looks heroic. Raygun was a maverick too. Must keep watching. Don’t stop now. Raygun got government off my back. What a charming old codger, he was so adorable when he drooled all over his jelly beans, fell asleep in cabinet meetings and couldn’t recognize his own HUD secretary.

9:09  – OMG its Fred W. Thompson, who electrified the nation with his losing bid for the GOP nomination. He sure does look like a president, unlike the pasty old McCain. Yay, the economy isn’t really down! America is a great country goddamit! Look at him shake that fist! Palin has small town values. I agree that “small” is about the right adjective here. All Biden does is go on talking head shows and drink cocktails. Old Fred is fired up for Sarah Palin. Viva Viagra!

9:12 – I can’t peel my eyeballs away from the TV. Palin is a courageous reformer. If only I had known before I said all those mean things about her! And she can dress a moose! I’m starting see why the cons like her so much. Fred says that McPain has been tested like no other presidential candidate. Washington and Lincoln must be rolling over in their graves.

Cut to one of McCain’s kids. I think I saw a smirk. Don’t rewind, it only prolongs the agony! Fred’s jokes are getting cornier. Where’s my remote? What’s on the history channel? Oh wait, McCain was the leader of the trouble makers at Annapolis. I’m riveted again. Republicans like trouble makers, especially the kind who make trouble in the middle east. McCain had a corvette and dated a titty dancer. I’m thinking about switching my vote. Memo to Diebold: would somebody please make this man President?

9:23 – Uncle Fred sounds like he’s giving a school report on McCain. The long list of injuries sounds like something from a Mel Gibson flick. (Is Fred back in show biz?) My dog just farted. When McLiar was told by the gooks to give up his fellow pilots’ names or else McPrevaricator gave them the Packers’ starting lineup. [laughter] Or was it the Steelers? It’s so hard to remember who you’re pandering to when something so dramatic is seared into your memory.

9:25 – USA! USA! USA! USA!

9:30 – Fred said that Obama wants the largest tax increase in history. I think the Republicans live in an alternate universe. Or maybe there’s still some cryptosporidum in St. Paul’s drinking water. Did a bridge collapse on his head?

9:40 – Joe LIEberman. Every rapeublican’s favorite pro-abortion liberal Democrat. Joe is deranged, I can’t take it any more! Wait, Joe-mentun just said that “country matters more than party.” Then what the hell was McPoorjudgement thinking when he picked Palin?!? Blood pressure rising. Rage building. McCrazyoldgeezer supported the surge. The surge was wonderful. I’m feeling a surge right now, the kind I feel after too many burritos and cheap tequila. Must turn off TV. My kids need to go to bed so they can rest up before McCain reinstates the draft.