A Prescient Molly Ivins Column from Nov. 4, 2004

I still miss her. Molly certainly saw this coming.

AUSTIN, Texas – Do you know how to cure a chicken-killin’ dog? Now, you know you cannot keep a dog that kills chickens, no matter how fine a dog it is otherwise.

Some people think you cannot break a dog that has got in the habit of killin’ chickens, but my friend John Henry always claimed you could. He said the way to do it is to take one of the chickens the dog has killed and wire the thing around the dog’s neck, good and strong. And leave it there until that dead chicken stinks so bad that no other dog or person will even go near that poor beast. Thing’ll smell so bad the dog won’t be able to stand himself. You leave it on there until the last little bit of flesh rots and falls off, and that dog won’t kill chickens again.

The Bush administration is going to be wired around the neck of the American people for four  more years, long enough for the stench to sicken everybody. It should cure the country of electing Republicans.

And at least Democrats won’t have to clean up after him until it is real clear to everyone who made the mess.

In some circles, that will be seen as sour grapes. But in Texas, we’ve been losing elections to the demagogic triad of God, gays and guns long enough to be pretty cynical about how it works out. I’m sure millions of Americans voted for George W. under the honest impression that he stands for moral values – family, patriotism, faith in God. I’m sure it’s the Democrats’ fault that such a silly ruse is allowed to stand. What Bush actually does stand for is nicely summed up by a rather common news story that got stuck on the business pages lately.

Letter To The Red States

Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

What’s Up With McCain?

Did John McCain have a TIA (Transitory Ischemic Attack) on-stage?

Palin’s Couric Interview

The drilla from Waslilla was the recipient of another merciless grilling by the lieberal media today. This time the interrogator was rabid lefty Katie Couric (or should I say Comrade Couric?) Kudos to Sarah Barracuda for standing up to those pinkos who just want to make her look uninformed by ambushing her with trick questions. They will pay when the Palin/McCain administration takes over.

COURIC: You’ve said, quote, “John McCain will reform the way Wall Street does business.” Other than supporting stricter regulations of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac two years ago, can you give us any more example of his leading the charge for more oversight?

PALIN: I think that the example that you just cited, with his warnings two years ago about Fannie and Freddie–that, that’s paramount. That’s more than a heck of a lot of other senators and representatives did for us.

COURIC: But he’s been in Congress for 26 years. He’s been chairman of the powerful Commerce Committee. And he has almost always sided with less regulation, not more.

PALIN: He’s also known as the maverick though. Taking shots from his own party, and certainly taking shots from the other party. Trying to get people to understand what he’s been talking about–the need to reform government.

COURIC: I’m just going to ask you one more time, not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation?

PALIN: I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring them to you.

I think the most patriotic thing Palin can do is to cancel her debate with Joe Biden. Washington needs “fixin’” and “shankin’ up”. We can’t afford to wait until January. We need her in DC NOW!

Keeping Track of Palin’s Lies

John McCain and Sarah Palin are telling so many lies about her record that it’s becoming hard to keep up with them. Palin’s compulsive lying about her past as even more pathological than W’s. Here is a handy list.

1. Palin stopped the “bridge to nowhere.”
   No, she didn’t pull the plug until Congress had already cut the funding.
   http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080908/ap_on_el_pr/bridge_to_nowhere_fact_check
   http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/701/
2. Palin was always against the “bridge to nowhere.”
   Not exactly. She was for it before she was against it.
   http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/2008-08-31-palin-bridge_N.htm
3. Sarah Palin is a fiscal conservative.
   A fiscal conservative does not rack up $20,000,000 in debt for a small town. Nor does she bill the state of Alaska for staying at her own house, eating her own food or for trips to her husband’s snowmobile races
4. Sarah Palin opposed earmarks.
   A mayor who opposes earmarks does not hire a lobbyist to obtain earmarks unless that mayor is a lying hypocrite.
   http://www.usnews.com/articles/opinion/2008/09/04/data-points-sarah-palins-lobbyist.html
5. Palin sold the Governor’s jet on eBay and made a profit.
   No, she listed it on eBay three times but ended up selling it through an aviation broker at a loss.
   http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/09/06/politics/animal/main4422397.shtml
6. Palin fired Governor’s mansion chef.
   No. The chef, Stefani Marnon was reassigned to the Republican state legislature to cook for Palin’s cronies since as Governor, Palin prefers to work in Anchorage or Wasilla instead of travelling to Juneau.
   http://dwb.adn.com/news/politics/story/9090479p-9006523c.html
   http://www.adn.com/news/alaska/story/288561.html
7. Sarah Palin won Miss Congeniality in the 1984 Miss Wasilla pageant.
   Really??? Come on….
   http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/columnists.nsf/debpeterson/story/23D7A0CF8A2E3A61862574B50011DB30?OpenDocument

Update: 9/16/2008

8. Sarah Palin’s teleprompter failed at the RNC and she had to “wing it” during her acceptance speech.
   “The teleprompter got messed up, I couldn’t follow it, and I just decided I’d just talk to the people in front of me, it was Ohio.” http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2008/09/palin-and-the-t.html OK, she gave an effective speech, but why do they have to lie about the teleprompter?
   Is it because GOP voters just enjoy being lied to?